In Which Our Author Compiles a List or Two

Things I Have Been Called


Name: Mowgli
Age: 0-3
My mom called me this when I was very young, because even she thought I was Indian.

Jojo
0-present
This is what my dad has always called me when trying to be affectionate.

Doey
2-4
This was my brother's valiant attempt to pronounce my name.  My parents usually mimicked him, laughing, because no one can resist mocking children.

Little Joey (Lil' Joey)
5-11
My elementary school nickname.  Not particularly creative (my name was Joey, and I'm kinda little), but effective.  I remember this one caused some drama because one of my friends insisted on patting my head when he said it, which infuriated me.  A word of advice to the tall:  keep your hands at all times out of biting range.  I didn't actually bite anyone, but I could have.  I'm dangerous and unpredictable.

Keebler
14-15
This is the first in what I consider the "Golden Era of Nicknames," or freshman year of high school.  As I've previously stated, I ran cross-country my freshman year.  The girls' team called me Keebler, like the elves.  Critical readers have surely begun to detect a pattern. . .

Tiny Tim
14-15
There we go.  That's it.  This one was the upperclassmen in choir.  They also called me

4.0
14-15
This one was inaccurate.  My actual GPA was closer to 4.7.

Giuseppe

11-15

My long time soccer coach came up with this one, the Italian equivalent of Joseph.  I think he was German.

Joe Flo

14-15
My theatre director made this one up first.  She said I could call her ALowe, and she would call me Joe Flo.  She also said that she'd write a play about me.  I'm still waiting.

Joe Joe

sporadic
I differentiate this one from my dad's because it is different.  I can't explain how, but it is.  Plenty of people have called me this over the years, and most of them have been girls who hug too tightly.  One of them, though, was a girl who hugged just right.

J.Flo
17-20
I must shamefully admit that I made this one up myself and used it ironically a few times.  I never expected it to catch on in high school or to reemerge in college.  My friend Ryan says it is forbidden to make up your own nickname.  I'm forever sorry.

Stalin, Stalina, Stalinifer
18-present
My senior year of high school I was president of my school's chapter of the International Thespian Society.  Because my first name was Joseph, the rest of my cabinet took to calling me Stalin.  They later took to using a more feminine form of the name.  I don't know why they did this, and that's probably for the best.  They still use it sometimes.

Jogan
19-present
When I auditioned for and was accepted into the Crazy Monkeys my freshman year, I was joined by a hilarious fellow named Logan.  Rather than "newbies" or "scrubs," the older Monkeys simply called us Jogan. Strictly speaking, Joe is the name of this body, and Logan of that one.  Jogan refers to the mind connecting them.  Two are one.

Joe the Pro
20-present
Red, a resident at the Indiana Veteran's Home where I volunteer, calls me this.  He's the friendliest guy you could ever hope to meet.  I don't have the heart to tell him that I am not actually a professional yet.


Things I Have Never Been Called
Jobu

Broseph

Joban
Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO
Late for dinner
Dear
Baby
Lover